Seven Steps to Grooming:
Identifying the victim
No one is immune to grooming, though some are more susceptible than others — including minors, "because of their naiveté,” Marlowe Garrison says. “[Grooming] can occur at any age, and it has a great deal to do with gullibility, insecurity, religion, and culture. [...] It starts by targeting a vulnerable person, then building trust.”

Gaining trust and access
Groomers don’t jump right into abuse, which is often sexual; they begin with building a friendship. “It’ll be in a way where they get to know the [victim] well enough where they find out what they like,” Dawn Michael, PhD, a sexuality counsellor, tells Allure. “Let’s say somebody is on Snapchat or...Instagram — [the offender] can pick up some of the things that [the victim] is posting. That’s why, especially for young teens or even young adults, they have to be aware of the information they’re putting out there, because someone can get this information and use it to befriend them; and that’s kind of how it starts.”

Becoming important to the child or adult and giving them something that they need
Initial friendliness typically encourages the victim to let down their guard and think of the perpetrator as a mentor, benefactor, romantic interest, or friend. And then, “once [the victim's] guard is down, the [perpetrator] will do them a favour,” Michael says. “They’ll do something for [the victim] so that the person feels indebted to them to a certain extent.”
Marlowe Garrison says those favours are often small and unassuming to start. “It can be as simple as keeping a promise,” he says. “[Like], ‘I heard you like beach glass. I have three pieces I can give you. I’ll leave them on my porch tomorrow, and you can get them after I go to work,’” Marlowe Garrison says. Offenders also, Marlowe Garrison notes, “insert themselves into the daily life of the victim,” for example by attending events that the victim’s own family or friends aren’t able to attend because of other commitments.
Once the offender has fulfilled promises and put on a show of trustworthiness, they'll start asking for things back — but again, moving very slowly. “It usually starts with a [non-sexual] favour,” Michael says. “So the [victim] doesn’t really know what’s going on, but then it slowly turns into more of a sexual exchange. It can start out with a simple kiss; it can start out with a touch. The whole idea of the grooming is it’s a slow process and that’s why, psychologically, [it] can be so damaging — especially if the [victim] is young because they don’t always know what they’re falling into.”

They begin to isolate you.
Typically, groomers try to keep relationships with victims extremely private from the very beginning, Marlowe Garrison says. “Secrecy is developed early on for non-sexual aspects of the relationships,” he says. In his beach glass example, for instance, he says the groomer might say, “Let’s not tell anyone where you got the beach glass, because I only have but so much. If others find out about it, there won’t be any left for your growing collection!” Excuses for keeping interactions private can make victims feel flattered and special, and therefore inclined to keep these interactions secret.
As the relationship continues, Marlowe Garrison says the groomer will actively try to separate the victim, both physically and emotionally, from people who may be “watchful [or] helpful” to the victim. “After the physical relationship is established, there is more secrecy and even shame, threats, [or] force to control the relationship from there,” he says. Isolating the victim from their support networks makes it easier for the groomer to maintain control, a tactic that Michael says is common in any cult-like situation: “The more they can cut off other people [who] are close [with the victim], the more power they have over that person, because they’re not going to have as much outside influence.”

Creating secrecy around the relationship (Threaten harm or threaten to reveal secrets that could harm you).
The slow process of building trust and establishing secrecy as normal can make it hard for both victims and victims' acquaintances to recognize grooming for what it is. If you feel you may be that victim, or that someone you know is, “one thing to look out for is [an] insistence to meet” on the part of the groomer, Marlowe Garrison says. “Groomers are spending a lot of time and money on building that relationship, and they can see their progress [through meetings].” Groomers' desire to see their victim exceeds the excitement that might be expected of someone in a new romantic relationship and crosses over into guilting and threats.
And even if they're unsure about a groomer's intentions, a victim will often "have this instinctual feeling that something’s not right,” Michael says. “[With] romance, you’re not going to have a feeling that you’ve been taken advantage of, or you’re doing something to pay back someone. [Romance is] a mutual feeling; and in a grooming circumstance, it’s not really a mutual feeling."
Marlowe Garrison says to look out for certain signs if you're concerned someone you know might be a victim, including alcohol or drug use, nightmares, changes in diet or exercise patterns, insomnia, disordered eating, anxiety, a withdrawn nature, bedwetting (in kids), risk-taking, acting inappropriately sexual for their age, and self-harm or suicidal tendencies.

Sexualizing the relationship
Grooming begins with nonsexual touching, such as accidental or playful touching to desensitize the child so the child does not resist a more sexualized touch. The offender then exploits the child’s curiosity to advance the sexuality of the interaction.

Controlling the relationship (using all the previous levels to ensure abuse continues by manipulation)
The predator may use threats and guilt to enforce secrecy and force the child’s continued participation and silence: “If you tell your mother what happened, she’ll hate you” or “If you tell anyone, I’ll hurt someone in the family.” The abuser may also blame the child for allowing it to happen or normalize it by saying that it is “okay”.

The Victim Can Escape
If you do find yourself in an abusive and controlling relationship at the hands of a groomer, you can get out. It starts, Michael says, with recognizing that something isn’t right. When you have that feeling, find a third party to talk to, ideally a professional who doesn’t know you or the perpetrator. (“You don’t want anything to get back [to the groomer],” Michael says.) If you can, take advantage of any technology you can find to get online or call a hotline, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) or the Victim Connect Resource Center (855-484-2846). Services like these confidentially connect you with a professional who can help you determine your next steps.