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Does anyone else ever feel like giving up? I'm a trans man and I've been out for about four years. Transitioning has been hard, but it's been worth it to see the little changes stack up over time. It makes me really happy to see and it feels great when even a tiny bit of my dysphoria can be alleviated.

(Disclaimer: I sound super whiny in this because I have a massive headache. Also, I ramble, so I'm sorry if something doesn't make sense, is worded oddly, or if I jump around. I'll try to clean it up once my head stops trying to set itself on fire. To clarify some of the terminology, to me, gender identity is a neurological thing that either aligns with your birth sex or doesn't. I don't support gender roles as reliable markers of gender identity.)

But sometimes I look at everything that's constantly being talked about, how there's such a big push among some activists for complete gender neutrality, the abolishment of male and female, and how binary trans people who speak out are immediately shut down and called enbyphobic, and I just... don't even know what to do anymore.

I'm just so exhausted. I know it's tough for non-binary people, but as the LGBT community and society as a whole are considering their feelings, I really wish they would also consider ours when we say why the existence of the gender binary is important to us. That male and female are scientific realities for us, that gender identity isn't a social constract for us, that it's tied to sex, that there's a reason our brains are constantly screaming at us, that pronouns aren't about gender roles and the way you dress, that if everybody in the whole world dressed the same and did the same things, we would still have dysphoria.

Going on Twitter or pretty much anywhere else and seeing the people who are supposed to be my community just... screaming at everyone and everything that disagrees with the collective hurts so much. I don't even go on social media very often, but it's just unavoidable wherever I am. My friends are talking about it, questioning themselves because they don't FEEL like either gender and all they've been taught is that gender is a feeling you think about every second of every day, off-handedly implying I'm privileged because I "have such a strong sense of identity and maybe binary trans people don't understand what it's like to not have one" as if I haven't gone through hell to get there and don't experience crippling dysphoria when I look in the mirror or hear myself talk or take a shower, as if I didn't spend 22 years of my life and years of therapy confused and disconnected.

It's in video games, in TV shows, in books. Everything is telling me that I'm too binary, that that's old news, that my thoughts and feelings don't matter anymore, that gender is defined by social roles and vague feelings. And it's such a small, stupid thing to be upset over, but I just really, really hate being the only one in the room who gets called "they." It's misgendering, and for someone who's been misgendered his whole life, it hurts just as much as being called "she." I hate going out somewhere with full facial hair, a binder, a packer and the effects of testosterone - displaying secondary male sex characteristics as well as I can - but because I'm wearing pink or I've painted my nails, I get clocked as non-binary or singled out in a room full of people and demanded my pronouns by someone who's desperate to be inclusive. I hate that instead of breaking down gender roles, we're reinforcing them.

I'm sympathetic to the non-binary community, I really am. It just absolutely sucks to come out and go through years and years of transitioning and then not be able to actually be myself and be slightly feminine because people are so obsessed with the idea that social gender roles/interests = gender identity. It sucks turning on a dumb game to self-insert and get away from everything and only having gender neutral character options and "they" pronouns because the company is - self-admittedly - trying desperately to be inlusive. It's such a nice gesture and I know it's wonderful for non-binary people, but where does that leave us? What about gay men and lesbians, or others who have a strong tie to the binary sexes/genders?

I'm just so tired, and it's such a deep, old exhaustion. I feel like I want to go somewhere these things don't even exist, to a place I've never heard about any of it.

Jayyy 4 Apr 21
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Thank you.


I transitioned in the late 80s/early 90s (6 years) before having surgery. I don't consider myself trans as I've been my gender for longer than 'the other'!

The first year SUCKS, it gets better. But by the 4th/5th year, your life should be pretty stable and ...DAMN can we PLEASE get this over already??!??

Over 30 years, I occasionally get clocked. I have long since given up caring. I am a smart mouth - meaning what comes out is actually, smart, but also quippy! I don't give people any authority over my life so I seldom answer a 'question about my gender' with a straight answer.

"Are you a lesbian or a trans, sex, ual?" It was a really old lady! I answered, "My partner was a lesbian." "Oh, that's nice dear." End of discussion.

Life is easier now, but when it is BAD, it tends to make people think it is about them. Its not. It's about the people making it harder.

I don't care what people call me. My identity is self-aware, self-validated, and self-sufficient.

Keep your head up.


UGH i feel this as much as i can without being trans haha. " enbyphobic," is 100% as overused as a word as TERF. there are SO many rational binary trans men and women who are now starting to speak up against the others. gender roles are not the same as identity and neither are the same as sex. have you followed Blaire White, RoseOfDawn and Mars? All awesome trans content creators who you'd love.

It honestly makes me feel so self-conscious within the community. I know there are social aspects of gender, but I feel like recent trends of trying to define what exactly it means to be a man or woman, while enabling people to self-express as what they believe are other gender experiences, has left a lot of gender-nonconforming men and women feeling like they’re not allowed to identify strictly as men or women. I don’t think completely linking gender identity to social roles was ever a good idea. It’s something trans people can utilize to make our experiences in passing and alleviating social dysphoria easier, but it’s not the whole picture of what gender identity means. I don’t know how “boys can wear makeup and still be boys” and “makeup is a feminine thing outside of masculine norms, so this person is having a queer gender experience and isn’t fully male” can ever coexist. I have trouble wording my thoughts and expressing everything well, but I hope you understand what I mean.

And I recently started following Blair and found Rose a few days ago and I absolutely adore her. I haven’t heard about Mars, I’ll have to find the channel!


You're certainly not alone, contrapoints talked about something similar a while back. Although I think one thing to keep in mind is that "the collective" barely exists. Whether you're referring to the trans community, right wingers, feminists, et cetera, all of these things are vast networks of interconnected people that argue with eachother as much as with others, all struggling to get a grip on this utterly baffling universe in which we find ourselves. At the risk of sounding misanthropic (anti human) maybe the one universal human concept is our ability to make eachother feel miserable.

I honestly feel like everyone should delete twitter for their own mental health. Its literally only ever made me sad.

I hope you find a way of doing well bechod, and I hope you're keeping yourself safe during this crazy time <3

That being said I'm also not saying that ideologies that punish everyone who doesn't conform don't exist, more that everyone (even those shouting the loudest) are just trying to find their way through this life just as blindly as the next person

I really appreciate the comment, and it’s comforting (in a twisted way) to know that we’re all arguing with each other about something. I think social media does a good job of solidifying this feeling of “the collective,” and bigger entities become affected by that too, because they’re trying to please everyone.

I was just thinking last night that I wish Twitter had never been invented, but I suppose something else would have just taken its place. Tumblr had a big foothold for a while.

@Jayyy Yeah agreed. I've honestly never gone on twitter and left happy. It only ever makes me upset

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