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guru

New South Wales, Australia

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Mar 15, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Our wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers.

I write songs about sewing machines. I’m a Singer songwriter.

0 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 15, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka, gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. I didn’t have a good reason. I just needed something to lift my spirits.

It’s 5 O’clock All Day

Famous Comedian QUITS Democratic Party, Disavows Cancel Culture From Progressives, Slams Culture War

GIFT OF THE VIRUS Dinesh D’Souza Podcast Ep46

I'll have what he's having.

Arms Sales: US stays top exporter while India amid biggest importers

Golden Retriever puppy destroys the house while mom's gone, and he's so proud of his work!

Social Media Makes People UNHAPPY, Especially WOMEN In The Age Of Feminism

Dog Persuades Newly Adopted Rottweiler to Play With Him

Netherlands witnessed violent clashes ahead of elections

Beijing suffers from 'hazardous' levels of pollution| China | Sandstorm | Air Pollution

T. Rex - Get It On (1971)

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours… They called it a day.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot? Unstable.

What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark hives.

I’m addicted to ordering hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I love foreign axe scents.

What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people? A cannibble.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.

One day, two women dog owners are arguing about whose dog is smarter. The first woman says, “My dog’s so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.” The second woman ...

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked. “Because,” he said, “I can’t...

Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

People say I’m condescending; that means I talk down to people.

Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road? Because it got stuck in a crack.

What do you call a shoe made out of a banana? A slipper.

How does a squid go into battle? Well armed.

Katie Hopkins: Sarah Everard, leftists hypocrisy and the Stazi State U.K.

Mainstream Media Uses WOKENESS To Game The Social Media Algorithm For CLICKS

Minneapolis Gives Half A MILLION Dollars To George Floyd Autonomous Zone, Taxpayer-Funded ANARCHY

Canned Heat Let's Work Together ft TotP Audience Feb 1970

Nigerian military convoy attacked by the Islamic state-aligned Jihadist

US calls out Russia to end the persecution of independent voices after mass arrest in Moscow

Dog Jumps Onto Fence and Another Dog Falls to the Ground While Attempting to do the Same

Woman Does Amazing Tricks With Hula Hoop on Fire

Leader of Myanmar shadow civilian government vows resistance to junta rule

What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves? An autumnobile.

What do you call a fictional country? Imagine-nation.

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? A waist of time.

I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It’s a complex complex complex.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code.

My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted.

I thought my dad had wasted all his savings on an expensive wig. But one look and I realized it was a small price toupee.

2 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Democrats DEMAND Governor Cuomo Resign As He Faces CRIMINAL Investigation Over Nursing Home Scandal

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, “Have you seen my brother?” The barman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper. That shows how toxic the media is.

A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he rings the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what he’s found. She says, “Oh, that’s horrible. Are ...

A man was sitting at a bar one day when a pirate walked in. The pirate had a wooden leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, “Come over here, my friend. You look as though you’ve had a tough...

Box Truck Gets Stuck at the Entrance of Circular Tunnel While Trying to Pass Through

Golden Retrievers are super excited to be reunited with their mom!

Car bomb kills at least 7, injures 50 in Afghan Herat province

Sri Lanka likely to ban burqa, shut Islamic schools

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday. I couldn’t find the words to thank her.

What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.

China WEAPONIZES US Wokeness Where They Used To MOCK The 'White Left', They KNOW What They're Doing

0 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 13, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

For One Night Only - Jimeoin

A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices ...

Two mice are chewing on a film roll. The first one says, “I liked the book better.”

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, “Does your dog bite?” The shopkeeper says, “No, my dog doesn’t bite.” The man then tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. “Ouch,” says the man, “I ...

What’s the fastest way to massacre snails? A salt rifle.

A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?” “I mite be,” giggles the mite. “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” the fly groans. “What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the...

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?” “Pop,” goes the weasel.

Trump SHOWED How The Social Media Algorithm MISLEADS People, Conservatives Read Deeper

Katie Hopkins Mexican PCR Enrrepreneurs

I ate four cans of alphabet soup yesterday. Then I had probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

Does refusing to go to the gym count as resistance training?

Democrats Are Now Trying To Change Election Laws

Biden SLAMMED After Taking All the Credit For Vaccine Rollout Despite Trump Doing Most Of The Work

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday. His wife is taking it really hard.

A sad-looking man walks into a bar. He looks so down the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The man replies dolefully, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.” The ...

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still got pregnant. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 13, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After two minutes she said all charges were being dropped due to a lack of evidence.

“It’s a boy!” I shouted, with tears rolling down my face. “It’s a boy! I don’t believe it!” And it was at that point that I resolved never to visit Thailand again.

My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time. She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman.

A guy goes to the supermarket one day. He’s doing his shopping when he notices an attractive young woman waving at him. She comes over and says hi to him. He’s taken aback because he can’t think where he knows her from. So he asks her, “Do ...

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 13, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

My coworker is unable to attend next week’s innuendo seminar. I have to fill her slot instead.

When does a joke become a Dad joke? When it becomes fully groan.

I’m the Norse god of mischief but I don’t like to talk about it. I guess you could say I’m low-key.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped. Needless to say, I’m ex-static.

When does a joke become a Dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent. When does the punchline become apparent? After the delivery.

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy’s truck leaves him too.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159, then it just CLIX.

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

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