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guru

New South Wales, Australia

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Mar 12, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

I went along to the local Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting but all the seats were taken.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

Have you seen that new movie Constipated? It’s not come out yet.

Did you hear about the constipated composer? He had problems with his last movement.

0 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 12, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

People who tell you that they’re constipated are full of crap.

The Address Heard Round The World

The Katie's Arms LIVE! 8pm on insta: _katie_hopkins_

UNCRITICAL RACE THEORY Dinesh D’Souza Podcast Ep45

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?” “Yes, we arson.”

I don’t know why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on the Hulk. He’s essentially a giant banner.

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused. Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

So, you don’t trust a doctor to stitch you up? Fine. Suture self.

If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world… Then Who is.

What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble? That hit the spot!

Little Girls Flawlessly Ride Hoverboard in Circles Like Professionals Inside House

Green Energy Has Become A Left-Wing POWER GRAB

Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing Windows!

Why didn't the cat go to the vet? He was feline fine!

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought… "That's the last thing I need!"

My dad unfortunately passed away when we couldn't remember his blood type… His last words to us were, "Be positive!"

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 12, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!

First Primetime Address Is Here

Whenever I undress in the bathroom… My shower gets turned on!

I just found out that I'm color blind. The news came completely out of the green!

Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie!

The quickest way to make antifreeze? Just steal her blanket!

Who is the penguin's favorite Aunt? Aunt-Arctica!

CNN DEMOLISHES Press Sec to Her Face Over Crisis At the Border

Trump SLUMP Hits Media That DESPERATELY Needed Trump's Appeal To Stay Afloat, Firings Ensue

Dem Officials WRECKED Over COVID Nursing Home Deaths as CA RECALL Hits 2M Signatures!!!

Is Joe Biden Even Running the Country?

My parents said I can't drink coffee anymore. Or else they'll ground me!

I was walking through a quarry…I said to the foreman, "That sure is a big rock!" "Boulder," he corrected me. So I stuck out my chest and shouted, "THAT SURE IS A BIG ROCK!!"

My girlfriend thought I'd never be able to make a car out of spaghetti… You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!

I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said Wii!

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

You really shouldn't be intimidated by advanced math…it's easy as pi!

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 11, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

The Pope Has Totally Lost His Mind and Gone Full Political...

4 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Democrats Pass New Gun Control , Media Launches Creepy Coordinated Propaganda On Gun Crime

Media FALLS For Tim's Tweet Calling To IMPEACH The QUEEN Of England

Reporter Questions Press Sec. Over Trans Athletes Competing in Women’s Sports

De Blasio just ENDED Andrew Cuomo

UNDEMOCRATIC DEMOCRATS Dinesh D’Souza Podcast Ep44

Katie Hopkins reports from protests in Mexico City on International Women's Day

60 seconds on Piers Morgan

"For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me the most secretive guy in the office. I can't tell you how much this award means to me."

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 11, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

"Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up. Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out."

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 11, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

Mexico to legalise Marijuana use soon

Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? I’m excited to see how they turn out.

About a month before he died, my uncle had his back covered in lard. After that, he went downhill fast.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”

I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”

A man entered a local paper’s pun contest. He sent in different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in did.

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: “I want to make a complaint. This vinegar’s got lumps in it”. He said: “Those are pickled onions.”

NOPE TO THE POPE Dinesh D’Souza Podcast Ep43

Katie Hopkins: MORGAN! MARKLE! HARRY! I am a mother. And this needs to stop.

CA Governor Won't Give Up Lockdown Policies Because Of "Inequity," Democrats Exploit COVID For Power

Guy Throws Closed Umbrella in Air and Catches it Back After it Opens Itself

2 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 10, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Man Balances Can On Basketball And Gets Hit In His Groin While Bouncing It

Went to the doctors and said: “Have you got anything for wind?” He gave me a kite.

“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

JUST IN: Lauren Boebert slams Beto O'Rourke over gun control

Dog Skilfully Cleans the Floor

Report: Japan bars foreign fans from attending Tokyo Olympics

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 10, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Billy Connolly's Craziest Drunkest Story

1 comment

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 10, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Billy Connelly's Sausage - The Graham Norton Show

Bike? I'll Give You Bike! Grey Pubic Hair! Dog Bag!

Billy Connolly - England Signed Football

0 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 9, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

Ozzy Man Reviews: Slapping Championship

Candace Owens Says Black Americans Do Not Support The Transgender Movement

Disney Gives Horrible Excuse For Firing Gina Carano At Shareholder Meeting

Charges Dropped against Kenneth Walker Breona Taylor Case

0 comments

Comedy, Laughs and Humor.

Mar 9, 2021Mar 2021

Posted by guru

“I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'”

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.”

“‘What’s a couple?’ I asked my mum. She said, ‘Two or three’. Which probably explains why her marriage collapsed.”

“A man walks into a chemist’s and says, ‘Can I have a bar of soap, please?’ The chemist says, ‘Do you want it scented?’ And the man says, ‘No, I’ll take it with me now.'”

“Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!”

Fact-Checking Joe Biden's CLUELESS Press Secretary

The Fake Race Thing Has to Stop...

A CONVERSATION WITH BILL AYERS Dinesh D’Souza Podcast Ep42

Katie Hopkins on Harry and Meghan. They will never find happiness, certainly not with each other.

Corporate Media Hit By Layoffs As Trump Slump Means Democrats Have No Unifying Villain To Exploit

“Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.” He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.” “Is it common?” I asked. “It’s not unusual,” he replied.

Frankenstein . Edgar Winters Group . 1973

Perhaps the single best lesson on politics

Construction Machinery Operator Fills Kids' Toy Trucks With Soil

Return to Forever - Sorceress 1976

Crosby Stills Nash & Young's 4 + 20 by Stephen Stills Live HQ

Mexico: Protests against violence towards women on International Women's Day

Ozzy Man Reviews: Oprah's BIG Interview

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

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